------- Begin Forwarded Message -------
Subject: Apple Folds Microsoft Unit
From: Davoud <david@davidillig.com>
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.system
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002 12:42:46 GMT
Apple Folds Microsoft Unit
Cupertino, Calif. April 1, 2052 (DEI)
Apple Computer (AAMS) today announced that it will close its Microsoft
Mouse Unit (MMU), bringing to an end an historic era in personal
computing. Apple CEO Steve JobsClone2 said today in a huge Apple Press
Event (APE) that Apple's cybernetic implant business will be moved to
the Couscous Valley campus near Kandahar.
Apple's MMU, headed by Bill GatesC2, is the last vestige of the
once-powerful Microsoft Corporation. Apple bought Microsoft 50 years
ago in a bankruptcy sale after Microsoft's then-latest computer
operating system, Windoze EksPee, failed in the marketplace due to
incompatability with Apple's OS Eks. Apple then disposed of Microsoft's
assets in a series of charitable donations, keeping only the Microsoft
Mouse Unit alive. The Microsoft Mouse Unit kept its anachronistic name
long after mice and other mechanical computer input devices were made
obsolete, first by external grafts, then by cybernetic implants.
The acquisition of Microsoft mouse technology was huge for Apple at a
time when Apple's own engineers had been unable to design a
multi-button mouse. According to popular accounts, Apple engineers
said after their first tour of the MMU "Oh, NOW we get it!"
Steve JobsC2 said of the MMU closing "This is huge!" MMU Chief Bill
GatesC2 dropped his own bombshell at the APE when he revealed that he
had turned down JobsC2's offer to stay on as Vice President for
Intracampus Comunications, known informally as "The Mail Room." GatesC2
said that he would retire to Australia, a Pacific island purchased by
one of his earlier selves.
When questioned about the latest round of monpopoly charges from the
Department of Universal Justice, JobsC2 referred to his oft-repeated
statement that the DUJ is only stating the obvious, and so what?
Long-time Mac users will recall that Apple stopped reporting processor
speeds for its Macintosh computers in Mythical Megahertz some years
ago, switching instead to an Apple-formulated "Gigabounce" benchmark.
When asked about rumors that Motorola's roadmap for the long-awaited G5
processor shows it being bumped up to speeds of up to 2 GBc, SteveC2
said "We don't discuss future products. I can tell you this much,
though -- whatever comes next will be huge." JobsC2 again dismissed
user complaints that the OS XVIII.VI.I Finder is slow, saying that most
applications launch in only six bounces -- just enough to be
entertaining, JobsC2 said.
NNNN
Reported by Davoud
Next: Users await Photoshop for OS XVIII.VI.I
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